Confusing Myself

I'm just going to go ahead and warn you guys, this may be a bit of a ramble. Just like the title says, I'm seriously confused. And maybe the worst part of it all is that I'm doing it to myself. I'm going to try to explain it here and hopefully it'll make sense to someone other than just me. And if anyone has any advice, I'm more than willing to hear it! Because I don't know what to do at this point.

 

So today over lunch, Steve brings up the DD stuff and how he'd like us to get back to it. As an aside, how the heck does this qualify as a mealtime conversation? It's a good thing I was basically done because any appetite I had was gone by then.  But I listened. At first. Then he mentioned a "clear the air" spanking. And I bucked. And bucked hard. 

Most of you know, we've had some struggles in this area. Big struggles with consistency. I've tried so hard to submit and follow him. I have. And it's not easy for me. And it's been made harder at times because I haven't always known what I was supposed to be following. And be it right or be it wrong, I tend to blame most of our struggles on him. Alright, alright. I know I shouldn't. But the fact is I do. I'm working on it. But it may take a while. And when I heard that he wanted to spank me to clear the air, it completely rubbed me the wrong way. My thought process was something along the lines of why should I get spanked for his mistakes? And I said as much. 

We did talk some more. A good bit more. But I finally just told him I didn't think I wanted to do this. That I was too frustrated and sick of the emotional up and down of us trying and failing. I kind of left it at that for a while. I went and took a nap. I wasn't all that tired, but I needed some time alone and to just think. I did end up falling asleep but I got some thinking done too. And honestly, it's just so hard to put into words. 

I want this. I have for a long time. And he says he does. I don't know what to do to make it happen though. I don't think either of us does. Sometimes I wonder if he's strong enough to handle me. I've said it before and it feels awful and almost wrong. But if nothing else, it's honest. I'm incredibly independent and take charge and that isn't so much his nature. It scares me to hand over control to someone like that. I want to. But I need him to show me that he can. That he will. I haven't seen that yet and that's why I hesitate so much. 

So like I said. I'm confused. I have no idea where we're headed with this. I wonder if I maybe even made a mistake by bucking today. I just. Don't know. Maybe it was some weird sense of self preservation kicking in as well. I knew this conversation was coming, but the minute by butt was on the line I raised holy hell. And I am mad at myself. I know I'm not making it easy for him. I want him to take charge, but yet, when he does, I question him and shoot him down. It has to be confusing. So again, your thoughts would be great. Because this little exercise really hasn't helped me to sort things out as I'd hoped.