Why, oh why?

Why do we do the things we do? I cannot tell you how many times I have asked myself that very question since Steve and I first started on this DD journey of ours.

Just for example, last night, Steve and I had another good talk about things. (Just as a bit of an aside, he had taken the time yesterday to type things up and come up with a set of rules and consequences for us. We're starting slow, but at least we're moving.) And amazingly, I stayed calm yet again. It's amazing how much that tiny little detail helps! :) Anyway, he decided that he wanted to go back to his original plan from last weekend and start off with a reminder type spanking to kind of clear the air and set the tone. He didn't want to wait until my next full off day because that would be Thursday. I think he foresees me getting antsy and probably mouthy by then too. And maybe doesn't want me to think about it that long. So he decided that he would do it today at some point before I head into work tonight. And this time, I didn't argue or buck him. I just said okay.

Now for the record, the issues I had with this idea last weekend are basically gone. I think a large part of the reason why is because I know that after last weekend, I deserve a spanking. Just don't tell him that last part, k? Good. I acted and reacted horribly. And while he doesn't usually think that the things I do are out and out disrespectful, I think we have different definitions. Because in all honesty, I think sometimes I'm pretty darn disrespectful. Don't tell him this part either. :)

So my "why" question today is this. Why, if I agree that I need the spanking and it will help and agree with the reasons I'm getting it, then why am I basically back to being a total snot today? I've already been snippy more than once. And I honestly don't know why. The poor man hasn't done a thing. And I have another question. Why in the world when I know my butt will be on the line pretty soon, do I act like this? Do I have no sense of self preservation? If anyone has the answers to these, it would be great by the way. :)

So I guess that's my blurb for the day. I need to get off of here and get some things done before previously mentioned spanking. Gonna try to get this attitude of mine together to so that I hopefully don't earn anymore than what I've already got coming.

Baby Steps

I read a post earlier this week about baby steps, and well, Steve and I are taking some of our own. We go to have a pretty good little chat last night after we went to bed. And so far, this is shaping up to be a much better weekend than last. Which if you read my last post, you know that's a good thing. Last weekend was way too emotionally charged and upsetting and I hope that there is not a repeat anytime soon.

So we talked, and maybe just maybe we're going to give this DD thing another go a little sooner than we thought. Last week he had said that he was going to do things to earn my trust so that I could trust him to lead us in this new dynamic. At the time, I felt like it was a cop-out. He didn't give any specifics to me as to how he was planning to do this. And besides that, to me, there's a little element of a "leap of faith"  if you will to any trust building exercise. It isn't going to just happen. We aren't going to just sit back and magically one day DD has happened and we're great at it. It's got to be more intentional than that. And last night, I was able to tell him these things-without crying, without getting mad, without yelling and questioning his abilities. And it was actually a good conversation.

Maybe this seems elementary to some of you, but for me, it really made me realize first hand just how differently men and women communicate. And how he really does shut down in the face of all my emotions. I think they scare him. And don't tell him, but in reality, sometimes they scare me too. But being able to talk calmly about all of this last night was so good. He says that we'll start slowly, with just a couple of things and build from there. Even though I'm impatient and part of me wants it all now (Well, actually five minutes ago) I'm starting to realize that simply isn't going to happen. So now, we'll see what happens. Hopefully I'll have another good update soon.

Confusing Myself

I'm just going to go ahead and warn you guys, this may be a bit of a ramble. Just like the title says, I'm seriously confused. And maybe the worst part of it all is that I'm doing it to myself. I'm going to try to explain it here and hopefully it'll make sense to someone other than just me. And if anyone has any advice, I'm more than willing to hear it! Because I don't know what to do at this point.

 

So today over lunch, Steve brings up the DD stuff and how he'd like us to get back to it. As an aside, how the heck does this qualify as a mealtime conversation? It's a good thing I was basically done because any appetite I had was gone by then.  But I listened. At first. Then he mentioned a "clear the air" spanking. And I bucked. And bucked hard. 

Most of you know, we've had some struggles in this area. Big struggles with consistency. I've tried so hard to submit and follow him. I have. And it's not easy for me. And it's been made harder at times because I haven't always known what I was supposed to be following. And be it right or be it wrong, I tend to blame most of our struggles on him. Alright, alright. I know I shouldn't. But the fact is I do. I'm working on it. But it may take a while. And when I heard that he wanted to spank me to clear the air, it completely rubbed me the wrong way. My thought process was something along the lines of why should I get spanked for his mistakes? And I said as much. 

We did talk some more. A good bit more. But I finally just told him I didn't think I wanted to do this. That I was too frustrated and sick of the emotional up and down of us trying and failing. I kind of left it at that for a while. I went and took a nap. I wasn't all that tired, but I needed some time alone and to just think. I did end up falling asleep but I got some thinking done too. And honestly, it's just so hard to put into words. 

I want this. I have for a long time. And he says he does. I don't know what to do to make it happen though. I don't think either of us does. Sometimes I wonder if he's strong enough to handle me. I've said it before and it feels awful and almost wrong. But if nothing else, it's honest. I'm incredibly independent and take charge and that isn't so much his nature. It scares me to hand over control to someone like that. I want to. But I need him to show me that he can. That he will. I haven't seen that yet and that's why I hesitate so much. 

So like I said. I'm confused. I have no idea where we're headed with this. I wonder if I maybe even made a mistake by bucking today. I just. Don't know. Maybe it was some weird sense of self preservation kicking in as well. I knew this conversation was coming, but the minute by butt was on the line I raised holy hell. And I am mad at myself. I know I'm not making it easy for him. I want him to take charge, but yet, when he does, I question him and shoot him down. It has to be confusing. So again, your thoughts would be great. Because this little exercise really hasn't helped me to sort things out as I'd hoped.