September 12, 2012

Where we're at... And where we're not

Hey to everyone out there! Sorry it's been nearly three months since I've posted anything. I am still alive out here. :)

Honestly, it's just been one of those times in my life where I haven't known what to say. We've had a lot of ups and downs over the course of the last few months. The bad news is, we've both said things that we regret. The good news is, we've struggled our way through them and I think we may be embarking on a little bit of a new phase in our relationship.

DD has been put on hold for I don't even know how long really. But for a while. I don't know if it's not for us. Not for me, not for him. I don't know. All I know is that the way things were, they weren't working well at all. There was no consistency and that killed the whole thing for me honestly. I don't know if or when we'll ever pick it up again. Part of me likes to think we will, but part of me is also a little nervous about that prospect.

I've had trust issues my whole life. And I'm well aware of that and have been for a while. What I wasn't aware of was just how deep they went. I'm having the hardest time adjusting to being married and stuff. And I'm finding that I'm having an even harder time trusting my husband. It's not a fun place to be. It makes me frustrated with myself regularly. I don't know if there's anything I want more than to be able to trust him. And when I can't, for whatever reason, I just want to cry. And as any of you who practice DD know, it's really hard to do it when there is a good level of trust. What I've learned is that without that foundation, it's damn near impossible.

So that's where we are. Kind of in a holding pattern. This whole marriage thing hasn't exactly been what either of us expected. I don't want it to sound like it's all bad, because it's not. It's just been a HUGE adjustment. One that I'm not sure either of us was adequately prepared for. Thankfully, even though where we are isn't exactly where we want to be, it's also not where we were a few weeks ago. My anxiety levels had been so high and there were just so many things on my plate. I was going through a lot of medication adjustments. And because of insurance issues, so was Steve. I think we're finally hitting a good level with them now and are headed in the right direction. At least now we're not fighting every single day. We still have our spats, but I'm feeling much more controlled and more like my normal self, which is nice. I've kinda missed her. The evil twin is still on the periphery, but I'm hoping she's completely evicted soon. I don't like her at all.

So there's there's the update. I'm hopeful that I'm going to be able to post more frequently now. Steve is back in school for the fall, so we're on a bit more of a schedule now. Which for me, is an excellent thing.

And I almost forgot. We're the new, proud parents of a fur-baby.

Meet Duke. Isn't he cute?! He's not exactly a baby. He's five years old. Our apartment complex had an adoption blitz this past weekend and he picked us. His owners had to surrender him a few weeks ago because of a move. He's adjusting to us quite well. And we're definitely smitten. He is quite possibly the sweetest and best dog ever. To me, there's just nothing like a shelter dog. They seem to be truly grateful and enjoy life more. And so far, he's making things even better for us.


  1. I don't know if you ever come by your blog anymore, but I just want you to know you are not forgotten. I hope that you and Steve have been able to get on the same path, together. Marriage is hard. I've been married for 33 years, and it came close to ending more than once. God Bless You Both, Belle L.

  2. I second Belle's comments. I hope things have settled down for you and that you are adjusting!