I hate waiting. For anything. It doesn't matter what. I'm impatient and will be the first to admit it. When I want something, I want it right then if not five minutes before. But what am I doing tonight? Waiting.
For what? You may ask. That's half the problem tonight. I'm not sure. See, Steve gave me three tasks to do today while he was in class. I finished one, started one and haven't started the other at all. And I honesty don't know why.
I had an appointment for a manicure this afternoon so I got up and got ready for that. Finished that up and made a quick trip to Meijer for a few things. I came home and had a late lunch. I had every intention of starting those tasks right after I finished eating. I didn't. What did I do? I took a nap. For two hours. Then laid in bed for an hour reading and thinking about what I needed to do before actually getting up and starting it.
We've had some struggles lately when it comes to DD. I can't help but wonder how much is my fault. I'm not trying to make it hard for him, but I feel like I am. He's had a hard time stepping up. He's never really been in any sort of leadership role before and so this is new to him.
I was actually kind of excited last night when he told me before we both said goodnight that he wanted me to do these three things. I have a to do list that's a mile long. And I'm such a procrastinator. I'm also somewhat overwhelmed at the moment with all the wedding things to do. It's like I have blinders on and those are the only things that get done. Not good.
Anyway, he made it clear last night that if I didn't finish these things, I would be punished. And the less I did get done, the more the punishment would be. I almost hesitate to say this, but I think I may be testing him. I'm not really doing it on purpose. At least I don't think I am. But this is where we have had the most issues. Follow through. He's made and reaffirmed the rules countless times it seems. And yet, I still feel as though they're rarely enforced. He's given me directives before. And never checked to see if they were done. I don't want to seem like I'm bashing him. I'm not. He's a great guy and God knows I love him. I couldn't imagine my life without him nor do I want to. These are just some I the problems we keep having.
So that's where I'm at. The question now is what to do. I'm torn. I'm not sure whether to just tell him I didn't (I'm not really that brave), to just say I did (I'm not that stupid hopefully), to tell him the blog is up (a much easier way of telling him), or to just say nothing at all and see what happens. I honestly don't know what I'll do at this point.
I don't want to be in trouble. I don't like spankings or any other of those punishments he doles out. But at the same time, I want to know he cares enough to pay attention and follow through. And I know if I don't give him the chance to do just that it won't be the same.
I always end up feeling like I'm pushing him to follow up on things, which in turn leaves me feeling like I'm topping from the bottom. Not a good feeling at all. I can't help but wonder though, if I were to give him more time and let him actually do things on his time table, would it finally click? I know I need to just trust him on this but it's so hard. I want this to work as much as he does. And I'm very much someone that wants to fix things. I guess I think if he's struggling with his part, maybe I should just help him out. Which is really doing the opposite of what my part is supposed to be. So maybe I'm struggling more than I think.
Lots to think about for sure for me tonight. Will try to let you all know how it goes.
Oh Allie...*hug*
ReplyDeleteLet me start by saying that I, and probably every "bottom" in a DD, D/s, or whatever kind of relationship understands this feeling. It's in our nature, I think, because we have this great, burning desire to submit to someone. We have needs, and when we feel like those needs aren't being met...we push. Oh, we're passive about it, because we're not "pushy", we're submissive. But we push just the same...which is what you're doing, by deliberately not doing as you were told today.
Like you said, you've had issues with him following through before. And, in my opinion, the less he follows through, the more you're going to push. And the more frustrated you're going to become. With him, with the situation, with everything. We're wired differently than most people, and so our relationships work differently.
I think you already know what you should be doing, because you said so yourself: you need to be doing your part to make the relationship work. And you need to keep talking to him...I can't stress that enough. Let him know that you're frustrated by the lack of follow through on his part, but that you're going to try and keep up your end of the bargain better, too. There are always ups and downs, there's no getting around that. What matters is how you handle it.
allie,
ReplyDeleteso I think I told you a lot of what I had to say last night but I did have a couple more things...
one thing the above poster said struck a chord and I just wanted to point out that while very normal for us to "test" because I think that most of us do, It's a very detrimental exercise..... we might as well be saying I don't trust you to keep your word so I'm going to see if you will or not... and believe me they can see that and rather than inspire them to do better they get discouraged thinking "what does it matter she doesn't trust me anyway and she's not going to do what I ask"
and the other thing was believe me I know the need to "fix" things is great when you're a perfectionist and a control freak like me but I've found that a lot of guys like to "fix" things too and solving things for us gives them a feeling of accomplishment and like they're taking care of us so when you step in and fix it for him all the time then it's actually depriving him of the chance to make you happy, feeling accomplished in this lifestyle, and of feeling successful overall.
hang in there. you can do this
keep us updated
Often I feel that the more Henry demonstrates his control over certain areas, the more he feels that he should have that control, and the more I need to let go of controlling that area. But for others, he has given me complete autonomy -yet overall, I'm still accountable to him. He doesn't want to micro-manage or become a policeman, so he's had to learn where I needed his help more, and apply stronger controls there. And yet at times, he says "you don't need me *here*."
ReplyDeleteI do make it a point to be as self sufficient as I can, but I have a few years on you. ;-)
My own wedding planning is coming back to my memory and I can recall how overwhelming that can be. Sending you lots of empathy! Maybe try to write yourself a timetable. The bride's mags often have lists you can adopt.
I sure hope you and Steve can work through this soon. It's never easy. :-)
Hi Allie,
ReplyDeleteI used to think, and people told me, that if someone really meant business he/she would follow through...and if they didn't follow through, I was justified (sort of) in not obeying because they didn't follow through so it meant I didn't have to obey. Except it never made me happy. I agree with jslittlelady that testing is detrimental, even if we don't mean to do it or it wasn't exactly on purpose. If you got confusing or conflicting instructions that's different, of course, but if I'm honest with myself I'd admit that sometimes I just have to take responsibility for following through on my own. It doesn't feel nice and it does sort of seem like it shouldn't have to be my job, but in the end it works better to restoring balance. And authority.
Hugs to you and hope that your "waiting" can become fulfilled. :)
Hi Allie,
ReplyDeleteI'm in the middle of a much too busy workday, but wanted to welcome you to blogging! I'll be back to read more when I have a little bit of time. BTW...this post is from a couple days ago...hope you got everything worked out. My husband and I also met online, on a DD board.
Sarah and jslittlelady, thanks so much for your input. I don't know what I'd do without you guys!
ReplyDeleteElysia, I do get what you're saying. I'm a pretty self sufficient chick, I think that may be the problem. I've lived on my own since I was 21. I'm used to doing things my way and I balk a little when someone else tries to step in. We're figuring it out though as you'll see in the new post.
Ana, thanks for your input. I do realize that testing can be detrimental. Even if I don't always act like it. We did talk about the feelings behind the why of me testing and he's determined that he can and will show me cares so that I don't have to test in order for him to prove it. Such a good man I've got! :)
Susie, welcome to the blog and looking forward to hearing more from you!
Good luck, Allie! I hope that you sort things out in a way that works for both of you. :)
Delete