And we did! :)
For those of you that have been following, this is an update to the Waiting post. So here's what happened.
Steve and I talked on Thursday night. I decided (after talking to a couple of good friends) that I had to tell him. I also decided though, that I was going to give him more time than I had in the past. At first we did talk about just the surface stuff of how was your day, etc. He asked me if I enjoyed my manicure and stuff like that. As an aside, I love that he seemingly cares about those little things that I care about. It makes me happy. :)
But I digress. After a few minutes of chit chat, he asked the inevitable. Did I get the tasks done? I was truthful. Mainly because it's the right thing to do but also because I'm a terrible liar. He wasn't thrilled obviously. But he wasn't really mad either. He decided that we were going to try a silent spanking method he had read about. He changed it up a little and instead of using the capsaicin as the article suggested, opted for Bengay as it would be milder and pose less risk to my über sensitive skin. Well, it was milder alright. Nothing more than a mild tingle. It actually wasn't an unpleasant experience at all, especially when you couple in the butt rubbing necessary to apply it. *blush*
Well, I let him know that it hadn't worked (after he asked, of course) and he decided to just do a spanking with our cane (gulp) instead. Now I don't know what anyone else's experience with a cane is. Ours packs a pretty good sting but fades quickly. Not sure if it's the cane, or the technique or what. I'm mainly just saying this so no one thinks he blew a relatively minor thing out of proportion. After all, I know we've all heard the horror stories of canings. This was nothing like that.
I went to see him the very next day and brought the cane with me. Long story short, he waffled a bit over whether or not to do it and we got into this huge thing. I'm not really sure I'd call it a fight but it was definitely a something. We both were pretty upset over the whole situation at this point. He eventually decided to go ahead with it. And I did comply. I was at that point (where I hate to be) where even I knew I needed a darn good spanking.
It hurt and stung but like I said, faded quickly. Which sometimes leaves me frustrated. Thankfully this time it didn't so much. I think I basically just needed a little bit of emotional release and got that. I don't know why but if I ever get a true punishment spanking and I'm not tender for a bit, I get a feeling of like "Ha! I got away with it. That wasn't so bad!" I have no idea why but it does happen.
Anyway, that's where we're at now. We aren't getting to see a lot of each other this week just because it's crazy busy. I had a bridal shower at our church last night. He had an appointment today and I have to work tonight. Tomorrow he has classes and an appointment. I have to sleep a little then do a dress fitting and make up trial run for the wedding. He's in school all day Thursday. But Friday is ours!!! We have a premarital counseling appointment with our pastor and then we're going shopping for rings. It's definitely a nutty week, but right now I'm just trying to look forward to Friday. And trying to keep myself out of trouble so it can be a pleasant day. No canes, paddles, or straps is my goal. :)
Hope everyone is having a good week! I'm going now to respond to some comments.
February 28, 2012
February 23, 2012
Waiting
I hate waiting. For anything. It doesn't matter what. I'm impatient and will be the first to admit it. When I want something, I want it right then if not five minutes before. But what am I doing tonight? Waiting.
For what? You may ask. That's half the problem tonight. I'm not sure. See, Steve gave me three tasks to do today while he was in class. I finished one, started one and haven't started the other at all. And I honesty don't know why.
I had an appointment for a manicure this afternoon so I got up and got ready for that. Finished that up and made a quick trip to Meijer for a few things. I came home and had a late lunch. I had every intention of starting those tasks right after I finished eating. I didn't. What did I do? I took a nap. For two hours. Then laid in bed for an hour reading and thinking about what I needed to do before actually getting up and starting it.
We've had some struggles lately when it comes to DD. I can't help but wonder how much is my fault. I'm not trying to make it hard for him, but I feel like I am. He's had a hard time stepping up. He's never really been in any sort of leadership role before and so this is new to him.
I was actually kind of excited last night when he told me before we both said goodnight that he wanted me to do these three things. I have a to do list that's a mile long. And I'm such a procrastinator. I'm also somewhat overwhelmed at the moment with all the wedding things to do. It's like I have blinders on and those are the only things that get done. Not good.
Anyway, he made it clear last night that if I didn't finish these things, I would be punished. And the less I did get done, the more the punishment would be. I almost hesitate to say this, but I think I may be testing him. I'm not really doing it on purpose. At least I don't think I am. But this is where we have had the most issues. Follow through. He's made and reaffirmed the rules countless times it seems. And yet, I still feel as though they're rarely enforced. He's given me directives before. And never checked to see if they were done. I don't want to seem like I'm bashing him. I'm not. He's a great guy and God knows I love him. I couldn't imagine my life without him nor do I want to. These are just some I the problems we keep having.
So that's where I'm at. The question now is what to do. I'm torn. I'm not sure whether to just tell him I didn't (I'm not really that brave), to just say I did (I'm not that stupid hopefully), to tell him the blog is up (a much easier way of telling him), or to just say nothing at all and see what happens. I honestly don't know what I'll do at this point.
I don't want to be in trouble. I don't like spankings or any other of those punishments he doles out. But at the same time, I want to know he cares enough to pay attention and follow through. And I know if I don't give him the chance to do just that it won't be the same.
I always end up feeling like I'm pushing him to follow up on things, which in turn leaves me feeling like I'm topping from the bottom. Not a good feeling at all. I can't help but wonder though, if I were to give him more time and let him actually do things on his time table, would it finally click? I know I need to just trust him on this but it's so hard. I want this to work as much as he does. And I'm very much someone that wants to fix things. I guess I think if he's struggling with his part, maybe I should just help him out. Which is really doing the opposite of what my part is supposed to be. So maybe I'm struggling more than I think.
Lots to think about for sure for me tonight. Will try to let you all know how it goes.
For what? You may ask. That's half the problem tonight. I'm not sure. See, Steve gave me three tasks to do today while he was in class. I finished one, started one and haven't started the other at all. And I honesty don't know why.
I had an appointment for a manicure this afternoon so I got up and got ready for that. Finished that up and made a quick trip to Meijer for a few things. I came home and had a late lunch. I had every intention of starting those tasks right after I finished eating. I didn't. What did I do? I took a nap. For two hours. Then laid in bed for an hour reading and thinking about what I needed to do before actually getting up and starting it.
We've had some struggles lately when it comes to DD. I can't help but wonder how much is my fault. I'm not trying to make it hard for him, but I feel like I am. He's had a hard time stepping up. He's never really been in any sort of leadership role before and so this is new to him.
I was actually kind of excited last night when he told me before we both said goodnight that he wanted me to do these three things. I have a to do list that's a mile long. And I'm such a procrastinator. I'm also somewhat overwhelmed at the moment with all the wedding things to do. It's like I have blinders on and those are the only things that get done. Not good.
Anyway, he made it clear last night that if I didn't finish these things, I would be punished. And the less I did get done, the more the punishment would be. I almost hesitate to say this, but I think I may be testing him. I'm not really doing it on purpose. At least I don't think I am. But this is where we have had the most issues. Follow through. He's made and reaffirmed the rules countless times it seems. And yet, I still feel as though they're rarely enforced. He's given me directives before. And never checked to see if they were done. I don't want to seem like I'm bashing him. I'm not. He's a great guy and God knows I love him. I couldn't imagine my life without him nor do I want to. These are just some I the problems we keep having.
So that's where I'm at. The question now is what to do. I'm torn. I'm not sure whether to just tell him I didn't (I'm not really that brave), to just say I did (I'm not that stupid hopefully), to tell him the blog is up (a much easier way of telling him), or to just say nothing at all and see what happens. I honestly don't know what I'll do at this point.
I don't want to be in trouble. I don't like spankings or any other of those punishments he doles out. But at the same time, I want to know he cares enough to pay attention and follow through. And I know if I don't give him the chance to do just that it won't be the same.
I always end up feeling like I'm pushing him to follow up on things, which in turn leaves me feeling like I'm topping from the bottom. Not a good feeling at all. I can't help but wonder though, if I were to give him more time and let him actually do things on his time table, would it finally click? I know I need to just trust him on this but it's so hard. I want this to work as much as he does. And I'm very much someone that wants to fix things. I guess I think if he's struggling with his part, maybe I should just help him out. Which is really doing the opposite of what my part is supposed to be. So maybe I'm struggling more than I think.
Lots to think about for sure for me tonight. Will try to let you all know how it goes.
February 11, 2012
Pride
So, Steve and I were talking last Sunday after church and before I went to work. Our pastor that morning had preached on the subject of pride. Steve has given me a few assignments to think over and journal about over the past few weeks. I've been meaning to blog about those others, and I probably will at some point, but right now, this one is on my mind.
When he first told me that he wanted me to think over this one, I thought easy! But I don't even know where to begin. He specifically wanted to know if and how it contributed to our DD relationship. I told him then and I'll repeat it now, I know that it's my biggest hurdle. It pretty much affects everything, beginning to end. I'll attempt to explain, but this is one of those times where I know what I want to say but my mind is all over the place and I'm not sure how it's going to come out.
To be perfectly honest, my pride usually contributes, at least in some way, to almost every punishment that I receive. Most of my punishments are usually due in part to my mouth. No surprise for those of you who know me. Generally here's how it goes. Steve and I disagree about how to handle some issue that comes up. Granted, the issue is generally small and in the scheme of life in general, not all that important and earth shattering. I really can't even imagine him punishing me for something that was big. And certainly not just for disagreeing with him. I've never been punished for disagreeing. He realizes and respects the fact that I have my own opinions. In fact, I think he rather likes it. And I know he likes my spunk. But anyway, I digress.
So, there's some issue. We have totally different perspectives and ideas about it in general as well as about how to move forward from the issue. Unfortunately, I'm one of those people that clings to the thought that my idea is correct. I hold on to my ideas like a dog holds on to a bone. Now granted, I'm not always like that, but for some reasons certain things just strike a nerve with me. And I'm a woman. My thought process is generally emotionally driven. I'm not saying I'm irrational. I'm not saying that women as whole are irrational. I'm simply saying that our thinking does tend to be more emotionally driven than logic driven. At the very least, it is tinted with emotion.
There's little doubt in my mind that a huge part of why I hang on to these bones, umm ideas, is because of pride. I think of myself as a pretty good decision maker. I've also lived on my own for quite some time and survived nicely. Which in all probability adds to the pride issue because I have had some success. I'm just not used to having to include other people in my decision making process. It's new to me. And it's definitely going to be something that Steve and I will have to work on diligently when we are married and living together.
Pride makes punishment of any sort difficult because I'm, in essence, being told that something I did was in some way wrong. That's hard for me to stomach. After all, I think of myself as a rational, good decision maker. Why would I have made a decision that was wrong? Wrong enough, in fact, to earn a punishment? Like I said before, it generally isn't the decision that gets me punished. Well, not the decision about how I want to handle the issue. The decisions of what to say and how to say it are often different stories, however. So sometimes, it just takes me a bit to be able to admit that I even need a punishment.
My first instinct when I find out I've earned one is to get mad. It's hard for me not to say anything at this point, but I usually don't. I (thankfully) realize that it's mainly me being defensive and the dread of the impending punishment talking. I know that it's been hard for Steve at times to make the decision to punish. I know that DD in general has been hard for both of us. And I think we both try really hard not to undermine the other's progress in anyway. I don't want to fight him too hard about a punishment because there was a day when after hours or days of misery, I would have to tell him that I needed one. We're not quite where we want to be, but thank God we're not where we were either. I for one, don't want to go back there. No desire. At all.
I think the biggest area in our DD relationship where I notice pride, or maybe some of it being taken away, is during the punishment. Especially if that punishment is a spanking. The last spanking I received, Steve actually bared my bottom. That was the first time. I've noticed a pulling away of some pride before, but that last time, along with my panties, it was completely gone. There is absolutely no pride left when you're bottom is in the air and your head is buried in the pillow you're clinging to for dear life.
After it's all over it takes me a few minutes to even be able to look at Steve, much less talk or look him in the eyes. I just want to bury my head in his shoulder and cry, which he is gracious enough to let me do. I need that time. I need his reassurances and I love you's so much then. I feel so vulnerable, in so many ways. We experimented with corner time after a spanking a time or two, but that simply did not work. It left me feeling far too isolated and it took me so much longer to recover. Just not a good thing at all.
So, yeah I've said all this and basically am at the same point as I was at the beginning of this little essay. Pride absolutely affects our DD relationship. From before the spanking, until after. I'm not going to say that humiliation is the most important part of the punishment process, but it definitely plays a part. And for me, sometimes that's so much harder than the actual physical part of the punishment. And afterwards, in all honesty, it kinda makes me feel all warm and tingly that he can see me at my most vulnerable and humble and love me yet the same.
When he first told me that he wanted me to think over this one, I thought easy! But I don't even know where to begin. He specifically wanted to know if and how it contributed to our DD relationship. I told him then and I'll repeat it now, I know that it's my biggest hurdle. It pretty much affects everything, beginning to end. I'll attempt to explain, but this is one of those times where I know what I want to say but my mind is all over the place and I'm not sure how it's going to come out.
To be perfectly honest, my pride usually contributes, at least in some way, to almost every punishment that I receive. Most of my punishments are usually due in part to my mouth. No surprise for those of you who know me. Generally here's how it goes. Steve and I disagree about how to handle some issue that comes up. Granted, the issue is generally small and in the scheme of life in general, not all that important and earth shattering. I really can't even imagine him punishing me for something that was big. And certainly not just for disagreeing with him. I've never been punished for disagreeing. He realizes and respects the fact that I have my own opinions. In fact, I think he rather likes it. And I know he likes my spunk. But anyway, I digress.
So, there's some issue. We have totally different perspectives and ideas about it in general as well as about how to move forward from the issue. Unfortunately, I'm one of those people that clings to the thought that my idea is correct. I hold on to my ideas like a dog holds on to a bone. Now granted, I'm not always like that, but for some reasons certain things just strike a nerve with me. And I'm a woman. My thought process is generally emotionally driven. I'm not saying I'm irrational. I'm not saying that women as whole are irrational. I'm simply saying that our thinking does tend to be more emotionally driven than logic driven. At the very least, it is tinted with emotion.
There's little doubt in my mind that a huge part of why I hang on to these bones, umm ideas, is because of pride. I think of myself as a pretty good decision maker. I've also lived on my own for quite some time and survived nicely. Which in all probability adds to the pride issue because I have had some success. I'm just not used to having to include other people in my decision making process. It's new to me. And it's definitely going to be something that Steve and I will have to work on diligently when we are married and living together.
Pride makes punishment of any sort difficult because I'm, in essence, being told that something I did was in some way wrong. That's hard for me to stomach. After all, I think of myself as a rational, good decision maker. Why would I have made a decision that was wrong? Wrong enough, in fact, to earn a punishment? Like I said before, it generally isn't the decision that gets me punished. Well, not the decision about how I want to handle the issue. The decisions of what to say and how to say it are often different stories, however. So sometimes, it just takes me a bit to be able to admit that I even need a punishment.
My first instinct when I find out I've earned one is to get mad. It's hard for me not to say anything at this point, but I usually don't. I (thankfully) realize that it's mainly me being defensive and the dread of the impending punishment talking. I know that it's been hard for Steve at times to make the decision to punish. I know that DD in general has been hard for both of us. And I think we both try really hard not to undermine the other's progress in anyway. I don't want to fight him too hard about a punishment because there was a day when after hours or days of misery, I would have to tell him that I needed one. We're not quite where we want to be, but thank God we're not where we were either. I for one, don't want to go back there. No desire. At all.
I think the biggest area in our DD relationship where I notice pride, or maybe some of it being taken away, is during the punishment. Especially if that punishment is a spanking. The last spanking I received, Steve actually bared my bottom. That was the first time. I've noticed a pulling away of some pride before, but that last time, along with my panties, it was completely gone. There is absolutely no pride left when you're bottom is in the air and your head is buried in the pillow you're clinging to for dear life.
After it's all over it takes me a few minutes to even be able to look at Steve, much less talk or look him in the eyes. I just want to bury my head in his shoulder and cry, which he is gracious enough to let me do. I need that time. I need his reassurances and I love you's so much then. I feel so vulnerable, in so many ways. We experimented with corner time after a spanking a time or two, but that simply did not work. It left me feeling far too isolated and it took me so much longer to recover. Just not a good thing at all.
So, yeah I've said all this and basically am at the same point as I was at the beginning of this little essay. Pride absolutely affects our DD relationship. From before the spanking, until after. I'm not going to say that humiliation is the most important part of the punishment process, but it definitely plays a part. And for me, sometimes that's so much harder than the actual physical part of the punishment. And afterwards, in all honesty, it kinda makes me feel all warm and tingly that he can see me at my most vulnerable and humble and love me yet the same.
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