Where we're at... And where we're not

Hey to everyone out there! Sorry it's been nearly three months since I've posted anything. I am still alive out here. :)

Honestly, it's just been one of those times in my life where I haven't known what to say. We've had a lot of ups and downs over the course of the last few months. The bad news is, we've both said things that we regret. The good news is, we've struggled our way through them and I think we may be embarking on a little bit of a new phase in our relationship.

DD has been put on hold for I don't even know how long really. But for a while. I don't know if it's not for us. Not for me, not for him. I don't know. All I know is that the way things were, they weren't working well at all. There was no consistency and that killed the whole thing for me honestly. I don't know if or when we'll ever pick it up again. Part of me likes to think we will, but part of me is also a little nervous about that prospect.

I've had trust issues my whole life. And I'm well aware of that and have been for a while. What I wasn't aware of was just how deep they went. I'm having the hardest time adjusting to being married and stuff. And I'm finding that I'm having an even harder time trusting my husband. It's not a fun place to be. It makes me frustrated with myself regularly. I don't know if there's anything I want more than to be able to trust him. And when I can't, for whatever reason, I just want to cry. And as any of you who practice DD know, it's really hard to do it when there is a good level of trust. What I've learned is that without that foundation, it's damn near impossible.

So that's where we are. Kind of in a holding pattern. This whole marriage thing hasn't exactly been what either of us expected. I don't want it to sound like it's all bad, because it's not. It's just been a HUGE adjustment. One that I'm not sure either of us was adequately prepared for. Thankfully, even though where we are isn't exactly where we want to be, it's also not where we were a few weeks ago. My anxiety levels had been so high and there were just so many things on my plate. I was going through a lot of medication adjustments. And because of insurance issues, so was Steve. I think we're finally hitting a good level with them now and are headed in the right direction. At least now we're not fighting every single day. We still have our spats, but I'm feeling much more controlled and more like my normal self, which is nice. I've kinda missed her. The evil twin is still on the periphery, but I'm hoping she's completely evicted soon. I don't like her at all.

So there's there's the update. I'm hopeful that I'm going to be able to post more frequently now. Steve is back in school for the fall, so we're on a bit more of a schedule now. Which for me, is an excellent thing.

And I almost forgot. We're the new, proud parents of a fur-baby.

Meet Duke. Isn't he cute?! He's not exactly a baby. He's five years old. Our apartment complex had an adoption blitz this past weekend and he picked us. His owners had to surrender him a few weeks ago because of a move. He's adjusting to us quite well. And we're definitely smitten. He is quite possibly the sweetest and best dog ever. To me, there's just nothing like a shelter dog. They seem to be truly grateful and enjoy life more. And so far, he's making things even better for us.

Stepping it up (Part 2)

So, here's the continuation of last night's post. Hopefully I won't repeat too much. I think I left off last night with some hinting that we have had some good conversations since the redo on Sunday. And I'm so grateful that the gates of communication have seemingly opened. I usually don't have any trouble opening up about what I need or want. That can be a different story for Steve though. I think that may be troublesome for most guys. But I digress.

One of our conversations revolved around maintenance. I don't remember who brought that up. I think I might have. And yes, I'm aware that this might qualify me as crazy. Believe me, I've questioned my own sanity throughout this process a few times and for various reasons.

 

But, my point is this. After that spanking on Sunday, I was in a good spot emotionally. Really good. Like warm-fuzzy-super-in-love-all-over-again good. And my thinking was that if a spanking, even though it might hurt (and it did!) is worth it if I can feel that good and that calm. So that's why I brought it up. 

One of the other conversations we had was about boot camp. And lest you think I've completely taken leave of my good sense and gone off the deep end, I didn't bring this one up. He did. Although I was wondering if and when he was. I know he's been wanting to do one. When he first brought it up, I thought it was fine. But the more we talked about it and the more I thought about it, I got concerned. He brought up last night when we were going to do it. I didn't argue with him about it, but I did tell him my concerns.And he decided that for now, we could put it off. Or at the very least, make some more modifications. We'll probably talk about it some more tonight. It seems that we seem to do our best talking when we're laying together all snuggled in bed. I'm not sure what conclusion we'll come to, but I'm sure it will be the best one for us both. 

On an unrelated note, it also seems that I seem to be getting in one of my moods. I've been pushing the limits (unintentionally) all day. I know I've been a little sassy and snippy. I feel like I may have been digging a hole. But I guess we'll see about that when we go to bed....

He's stepping it up...

 

Do you sense the hesitation? Good. Because as much as it comes as a surprise to me, I feel it. Acutely. And like I said, I'm shocked. This is what I wanted, right. Yes, it was. And I still do. I'm not saying I don't want this. I do. Let me just relate what's happened over the past week or so. It's a lot, so this one may be pretty long. 

It's no secret that we hit a bit of a rough patch a few weeks ago. But honestly, I think we've weathered it pretty well. He's made the rules and I've been trying to follow them. I really was. One of our rules is that I carry pepper spray with me when I'm out alone. Well, it's big and clunky and I have a cute little purse. It just doesn't work well. And I totally didn't feel unsafe going back and forth to work without it, so I kept forgetting it. He reminded me, and told me I was being punished for it. You would think I would take it the next night, right? 

 

Yeah, I know. Dumb move. So the next night when he puts it on top of my purse so I can't miss it, you would think I would graciously just put it in the purse and go on, right. See above picture. I decided instead to raise a ruckus about it. Why, you ask? I have no idea. But I did. Well, by this point it was pretty obvious that I was going to be in some trouble. And even I had to admit it was well-earned. 

 So Saturday night, he decides to spank me and take care of it. I appreciate his effort and that he was making an attempt to follow through. But it wasn't enough. It was barely stinging. And he stopped. And it left me in a funk. And so conflicted within myself. It was a miserable feeling. On the one hand, I felt as though I should tell him. But on the other, I didn't want to come across as critical or bossy. Plus I was just plain embarrassed to say I needed more. I honestly have the hardest time saying the word spank. Even typing it is somewhat uncomfortable. It's another mystery of my life. 

I just went deeper and deeper into this funk and bless him, he didn't know what to do about it anymore than I did. He finally, out of frustration and desperation said he was going to redo it. I don't what it was in the moment. I'm not entirely sure what triggered it, but I got scared. Really and truly scared. For the first time in a long time. I don't know if it was his tone, or if it was because he was frustrated and I sensed a lack of control, or if it was something else entirely. In an effort to not throw him under the bus, I probably would have reacted much worse had the tables been turned. And he had already made several attempts to get me to open up.

I immediately started crying and sobbing and shaking. I was a mess. It took him all of about three seconds to figure out that something had gone horribly, horribly wrong. He flipped in that moment back to the most calm, serene, and tender man I've ever met. He pulled me to him, held me and just kept telling me everything was okay and that I was safe. And after a few minutes, maybe less, I started to calm down. My world was right there in his arms. He held me until I went to sleep and I woke up nuzzled right next to him. 

He did end up redoing the spanking the next day, and it was definitely the right decision on his part. I've felt so much better and closer to him since then. We've had a lot of good conversation since then as well. Which brings me to the next section of this little entry. BUT, I think I'll save that for tomorrow. We're heading to bed soon and have a busy day tomorrow, so I need my rest! 

 

 

Just a quickie

So, a lot has happened since my last post. And unfortunately I don't have time to go into detail now. I just wanted to say hello. And I promise to update soon. But right now, I'm in a meeting. And not too thrilled. This isn't what I want to be doing. So....

Why, oh why?

Why do we do the things we do? I cannot tell you how many times I have asked myself that very question since Steve and I first started on this DD journey of ours.

Just for example, last night, Steve and I had another good talk about things. (Just as a bit of an aside, he had taken the time yesterday to type things up and come up with a set of rules and consequences for us. We're starting slow, but at least we're moving.) And amazingly, I stayed calm yet again. It's amazing how much that tiny little detail helps! :) Anyway, he decided that he wanted to go back to his original plan from last weekend and start off with a reminder type spanking to kind of clear the air and set the tone. He didn't want to wait until my next full off day because that would be Thursday. I think he foresees me getting antsy and probably mouthy by then too. And maybe doesn't want me to think about it that long. So he decided that he would do it today at some point before I head into work tonight. And this time, I didn't argue or buck him. I just said okay.

Now for the record, the issues I had with this idea last weekend are basically gone. I think a large part of the reason why is because I know that after last weekend, I deserve a spanking. Just don't tell him that last part, k? Good. I acted and reacted horribly. And while he doesn't usually think that the things I do are out and out disrespectful, I think we have different definitions. Because in all honesty, I think sometimes I'm pretty darn disrespectful. Don't tell him this part either. :)

So my "why" question today is this. Why, if I agree that I need the spanking and it will help and agree with the reasons I'm getting it, then why am I basically back to being a total snot today? I've already been snippy more than once. And I honestly don't know why. The poor man hasn't done a thing. And I have another question. Why in the world when I know my butt will be on the line pretty soon, do I act like this? Do I have no sense of self preservation? If anyone has the answers to these, it would be great by the way. :)

So I guess that's my blurb for the day. I need to get off of here and get some things done before previously mentioned spanking. Gonna try to get this attitude of mine together to so that I hopefully don't earn anymore than what I've already got coming.

Baby Steps

I read a post earlier this week about baby steps, and well, Steve and I are taking some of our own. We go to have a pretty good little chat last night after we went to bed. And so far, this is shaping up to be a much better weekend than last. Which if you read my last post, you know that's a good thing. Last weekend was way too emotionally charged and upsetting and I hope that there is not a repeat anytime soon.

So we talked, and maybe just maybe we're going to give this DD thing another go a little sooner than we thought. Last week he had said that he was going to do things to earn my trust so that I could trust him to lead us in this new dynamic. At the time, I felt like it was a cop-out. He didn't give any specifics to me as to how he was planning to do this. And besides that, to me, there's a little element of a "leap of faith"  if you will to any trust building exercise. It isn't going to just happen. We aren't going to just sit back and magically one day DD has happened and we're great at it. It's got to be more intentional than that. And last night, I was able to tell him these things-without crying, without getting mad, without yelling and questioning his abilities. And it was actually a good conversation.

Maybe this seems elementary to some of you, but for me, it really made me realize first hand just how differently men and women communicate. And how he really does shut down in the face of all my emotions. I think they scare him. And don't tell him, but in reality, sometimes they scare me too. But being able to talk calmly about all of this last night was so good. He says that we'll start slowly, with just a couple of things and build from there. Even though I'm impatient and part of me wants it all now (Well, actually five minutes ago) I'm starting to realize that simply isn't going to happen. So now, we'll see what happens. Hopefully I'll have another good update soon.

Confusing Myself

I'm just going to go ahead and warn you guys, this may be a bit of a ramble. Just like the title says, I'm seriously confused. And maybe the worst part of it all is that I'm doing it to myself. I'm going to try to explain it here and hopefully it'll make sense to someone other than just me. And if anyone has any advice, I'm more than willing to hear it! Because I don't know what to do at this point.

 

So today over lunch, Steve brings up the DD stuff and how he'd like us to get back to it. As an aside, how the heck does this qualify as a mealtime conversation? It's a good thing I was basically done because any appetite I had was gone by then.  But I listened. At first. Then he mentioned a "clear the air" spanking. And I bucked. And bucked hard. 

Most of you know, we've had some struggles in this area. Big struggles with consistency. I've tried so hard to submit and follow him. I have. And it's not easy for me. And it's been made harder at times because I haven't always known what I was supposed to be following. And be it right or be it wrong, I tend to blame most of our struggles on him. Alright, alright. I know I shouldn't. But the fact is I do. I'm working on it. But it may take a while. And when I heard that he wanted to spank me to clear the air, it completely rubbed me the wrong way. My thought process was something along the lines of why should I get spanked for his mistakes? And I said as much. 

We did talk some more. A good bit more. But I finally just told him I didn't think I wanted to do this. That I was too frustrated and sick of the emotional up and down of us trying and failing. I kind of left it at that for a while. I went and took a nap. I wasn't all that tired, but I needed some time alone and to just think. I did end up falling asleep but I got some thinking done too. And honestly, it's just so hard to put into words. 

I want this. I have for a long time. And he says he does. I don't know what to do to make it happen though. I don't think either of us does. Sometimes I wonder if he's strong enough to handle me. I've said it before and it feels awful and almost wrong. But if nothing else, it's honest. I'm incredibly independent and take charge and that isn't so much his nature. It scares me to hand over control to someone like that. I want to. But I need him to show me that he can. That he will. I haven't seen that yet and that's why I hesitate so much. 

So like I said. I'm confused. I have no idea where we're headed with this. I wonder if I maybe even made a mistake by bucking today. I just. Don't know. Maybe it was some weird sense of self preservation kicking in as well. I knew this conversation was coming, but the minute by butt was on the line I raised holy hell. And I am mad at myself. I know I'm not making it easy for him. I want him to take charge, but yet, when he does, I question him and shoot him down. It has to be confusing. So again, your thoughts would be great. Because this little exercise really hasn't helped me to sort things out as I'd hoped.